Friday, 21 October 2011

Hopefully a higher place

I was saddened to hear that Ronny had lost her fight with meso, another warrior who kept a blog of her fight with meso.  It came as a shock as I had just visited her blog to see how the chemo was going and then Lyn my meso mate send me a txt telling me the bad news.  I wish there were words we could say that made everything alright but there isn't and all I can do is send her family my respect and condolences. 

We are fighting this cancer with everything we have got and yes we can starve off the disease for a while, each person I know has hit this cancer with everything in their reach, putting themselves through pain, illness and what do we get at the end of the treatments, maybe years or maybe just a few short months.  I know that I am not ready to go, and I know that everyone else I know feels the same.

I know that I have been unlucky where major pain has besieged most of my time with meso and there are days when I do feel enough is enough, but that lasts at the most just that day.  I get scared of what is to come, if there is nothing else I can do, if I had the operation too early and maybe I could have waited longer which would then have given me more time this side of the operation before the bloody cancer started growing back.  We are unfortunate not to have foresight and hindsight is of no use to us because we just can't alter our decisions once they have been executed.

On Wednesday I knew I was out of sorts, whether it was just me or the meso at that time I didn't know and I was scared.  Having no MDT on my side, an oncologist who is private and mostly not available and a GP that you just can't call on isn't much help.  My temp did what it use to do and dropped to 35, meso is on the war path and my body went into overdrive to fight it off, causing adrenalin to rush through my veins, my stomach and I was in a state.  I finally managed to get in to see a doc at 6pm and was prescribed antibiotics but all I wanted him to do was knock me out so I didn't feel this rush that was taking over my body and mind.  I remember years ago I was told that our bodies don't drop that low, well believe me they do.  Has anyone else out there gone through this?  Hubby has banned me from going to work so here I am at home, I can't be bothered to do anything but at the same time I'm bored because I want to do something. 

I keep telling myself I am going to do a photo album for hubby from the time we met and yes today would be an ideal time to start it but once I start doing that then I will be awash with grief because it will remind me that I won't be here to see my twilight years with him.

I'm not sure whether my emotions are running high due to the possible infection, the pregabin or just life itself, or is it the fact that another person has lost the battle and nearly everyone in the meso circle has new growth. 

I hate loosing a day to nothingness but I fear that that is what today will be, which adds nothing to our lives especially as our days are numbered.

I hope there is a higher life and Ronny is now whole, cleansed of meso and watching over her family.


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