Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Try and be Stable Meso

I went to see my oncologist last night, the one who organised my radiotherapy for the 3rd Boob.  We discussed me having a NHS team back in place and what everyone's views were.  Importantly, he asked what mine were about what is happening or not.

In my own mind I am giving chasing the treatments a break, It has been 3 months since the last treatment and 9 since needles were prodded inside.  I left a copy of the scan and asked him to review it, and give his thoughts.  Whether he does give them to me is another question and I kind of know the answer because he never does.

I have this terrible habit of going back over everything and wondering did I do that too soon, should I have waited or did I do it too late! I waste my energy on things I can't do anything about.  It's like the operation, I was ill at the time, but looking back I wonder if I was as ill as I was .. you know what I mean.  Could I have held back but then would I still be here?  My oncologist tells me he wouldn't have dreamed going through it before but after knowing me, if he had to make a choice he would seriously consider it.

So at the moment I am just going to enjoy the forthcoming months, keep checking up on what is going on out there, but then I am still worried that I miss out on getting on a trial that would work and miss the boat!  I pray this friend of mine stays slow and starved of whatever it needs to grow.

I keep being told I am one of a few to have survived like this, I say I know quite a few, but out of the 20 or so I know, how many others don't we know how haven't made it past 2 years?  Not everyone blogs and no specialist will ever tell you.

On that cheery note, better get in the shower and off to earn my keep!


Amanda said...

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, don't beat yourself up about past choices, we all do the best we can at the time.
All we can do is get the as much info as we can, no one knows all the answers where meso is concerned


Jan said...

I know and its wasted energy too!

Thanks Amanda