Silly o'clock

Here I am at 2.30 in the morning sitting downstairs in the still of the night instead of being cosily under the covers in bed.  Why is it that the worst pains always seem to get you through the night or is it that we haven't anything on our minds so it butts in like an unwanted memory that just won't go away?

Before bed I took additional morphine in the hope that I would get an uninterrupted sleep but at 1.30, I guess the moment I turned over, my pericadium pain pounced on me or should I say woke me from a deep sleep.  Lying there in the dark does nothing for us when our minds start, it's those questions:

   Will I still be here next year?
   Is it growing or just my body getting sensitive
   Is the morphine becoming a normal commodity that I need more to reach the same level of pain
   Management?

I know the answer in my own head, the fluid has returned, but do I truly want to voice this, if I do does it make it true?

Each day we hear bad news and very rarely do we hear the good, the I'm stable or shrinkage achieved, why can't I have had that news, why did the body have to have a chemo's fallout, what have I ever done to make 2 rechallengers not be successful?

Hope the cocoa works as I really need some sleep, maybe another 20 mil of morphine might ease the pain but I really hate having to take extra, that would bring it up to 60 in less than 5 hours, I know I have done more than this in an hour prior surgery but I was meso'ed up then.

Time to close down and hopefully my brain will follow suit for the night.