Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Wednesday Morning

I didn't feel awfully tired mentally last night so stayed up till 11 and watched my recorded The Returned.  What a disappointment in fact what was it all about!  Spending 6 hours watching sub titles and to be no wiser than I was when I started watching it.
I am debating on healing today.  Wednesday is our healing service day and I certainly could do with some hands on.  I know that the ladies have been sending me absent healing, but to feel those hands warm your back, sides or shoulders up, well that's a different thing all together.
I went into work yesterday for a few hours, but sitting at my desk is still affecting my back, whether it's because I keep lifting files up with my left hand I don't know.  Also my tummy did feel a little better yesterday but by last night seemed to harden again.
This morning I have woke up with a pain under my right arm, when I breath it hurts more.  I can't do anymore than I am doing at the moment.  I have set the balls in motion, hopefully a visit to Prof Fennell will give me a course of action.  I have wrote to J Steele and Peter at St Barts but one has just returned from holiday and the other is going.  It may be a while before they catch up with paperwork too.
I helped hubby in the garden yesterday afternoon, well I did a little of help, I cut back a couple of branches on a plant that has overtook the garden gate!  Then I helped pick up the branches and leaves he had cut away from the trees that have shot up.  They needed chopping as light in our office is weak, looking out all I could see was green.
I really don't know what I feel at the moment.  I have lifted my slow release morphine by 60mg a day yet I can still feel pain.  This new pain under my arm for instance, what is that all about?  I do want to live, I want to stay around as long as possible.  I read on fb a lady said she told her team she wanted 10 years.  It reminded me back to my first oncologist.  I asked how many years after chemo, she said maybe 5, I said 15 would be better, she said I think 5 so I went for 10 as normal and 5 fighting.  As it turns out I've fought this cancer nearly every year I've had it.  Remission has played a cruel game with me but then again I am thankful that I am still here.  But then I am frightened of being in so much pain that nothing can control it other than being knocked asleep until my last breath.  Then that will not be a life I want to live. 
I am scared of starting chemo again, especially after such a severe reaction in November, but if I don't then I certainly can't treat the symptoms that are starting to show.  The ascites being a new one, the right lung now coming out of dormancy and bringing with it pain in the right shoulder and back then the fluid.
There again, maybe a trial will stop all these things, but when you are in this predicament you want something tried and tested to stop everything so you can stay alive and be with those you love.  Yet to get there we need to take a poison that makes us feel so unwell while on it and a while to get over. 
So I had better move, if I still feel so uncomfortable after a shower not sure whether I will go into the office, but then it's another month end.  Don't these weeks just fly past, even more so when the sun shines.
My heart goes out to many of the meso community at the moment, so many new faces are appearing and so many of the regulars are back facing treatments.  Please God, let us find something to knock this cancer back.

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