Sunday, 5 June 2011

Nothing Day

Do you ever wake up and know that today is going to be a nothing day.  I nipped to the loo about 7am stepping over Bear who was snoring his head off and laid so I had to play twister to reach the loo.  He didn't wake and I thought Great don't have to do the stairs and let him out.  I should have stayed up because I know I would have felt better but no I went back to bed.  Hubby climbed out about 8.30 and I was aching badly then but I persisted in having a lie in.  At 9.30 I decided the steel bar in my left side wasn't going to ease and if I straightened my body out the shock waves would certainly be unbearable... so I knew a nothing day was ahead.  Strange on how a nothing day your legs even ache, even my cheek bones ache.

The sunshine of Friday and that wonderful feeling of being alive died with Saturday morning and the grey clouds.  Such plans for the weekend dashed by the colour of the sky and the strength of the breeze.  Do people who don't suffer cancer ever feel this way.  Maybe they do but I can't ever remember having nothing days before.  Gosh what was life before mesothelioma, before pain.

On a nothing day I just can't be bothered, the energy even to converse with another is too much, you don't want others to know your having a nothing day, you keep everyone at arms length - thankfully hubby knows the pattern of my nothing day.  An old movie on the TV, let me laze on the sofa, fill me with tea and coffee and try and tempt me to eat.  I want to eat and chat but I can't, my nothing day is consuming me.

If I have overdone things for a while, maybe two weeks of none stop activity  then a nothing day happens.  You feel it will be the same tomorrow, but you know it won't, just today will be that nothing day and usually tomorrow I'll be fine again.  My worry is that maybe the nothing day will start becoming every day and then what will I do?

I can't even tempt myself to do any computer work, even writing the blog is a struggle, I will hate loosing this day, feeling it a waste of a day in my life, but there's nothing I can do as I am bound to this nothing day.  I want this day to end, to find myself retiring to bed and waking up tomorrow, but the clock is clicking slowly today, I want to do something but can't summon up the energy to do it.  I'm frustrated at the lack of drive I seem to have but I can't bring the frustration to a head to force me to take action.  It's like a merry go round that I just can't get off.  It's like a bad hangover but without the fun of the night before.  So difficult to put into words is my nothing day.  

I'll close this blog on a nothing day and hope its a long time before the next one consumes my day.

No comments: