Friday, 11 October 2013

Is it really Friday?

Last Monday seems a life time away and here we are and its Friday again, which doesn't seem right.  The week has flown in one way and gone slow in another.
I have had company nearly every afternoon and today is no exception, an old school friend is calling round.  After my book was up for sale in a local village shop she recognised my photo that the shop had used to publicise the book.  It should be an interesting and wonderful catch up.
I had Joyce over yesterday afternoon, no aromatherapy though, just a nice chat.  She brought my favourite's, her home made ginger snaps!
I have also discovered that bending down makes me breathless, up until last year I didn't really suffer breathlessness.  I was a pain only girl, but now I suffer both and I hate this, I don't like the breathlessness, it actually does hurt but not straight forward pain.  Something else to ask the Macmillan nurse, breathing classes.
The breathlessness will be one thing to go if the chemo, when I finally get it, will help and I will know if it is retreating and dying off.  At least we do get signs that things are working.  Gary said I should buy an oxygen thing for when I am breathless but then that will make my lungs extremely weak.  Not a good idea at this stage.
I am hoping to return to the office next week, maybe 11 till 2, but how do I stop myself from bending over and picking up files etc?  It is habit and one that I have done for as long as I was able to walk.  I can't keep asking my colleague next door to leave his desk and come into my office to lift a file from the drawer or the shelf behind me! 
I have woken up with that rotten feeling in my stomach again, I stopped taking the metroclop at 6 am, as I didn't think they worked but they helped me from feeling rotten for so long, so tomorrow I will be back on them.
I have to give a water sample too, this is day 3 since I was given the sample pot, so this morning I remembered, I only peed out enough to fill the thin tube, I am starting to worry as at most I am probably visiting the toilet 3 to 4 times and not going very much.  I just hope the body is working properly down there and hasn't been damaged due to the excessive weight that was crushing my organs.  The sample is to see if I have an infection, which I doubt very much, but I hope I do.
I have lots of new twinges in my body, my left side now has a stitch, another new area of discomfort, I feel like I have a small sheet of hardness just along from my naval and down slightly to the left along with this strange sensation in my left pelvic area.  It will be interesting to see if the Oncologist actually goes through my scan with me when I see him and see if these areas are now meso or just nerves being disgruntled.
I was in trouble last night as I hardly ate, I had a sausage roll for lunch, had a craving but it wasn't nice, then we had dinner last night but I just couldn't eat a lot.  Hopefully my appetite will pick back up but I need to be eating much more.  The body is loosing vital vits and muscle due to the protein being stolen from my blood etc. 
I can't deny I am frightened still but at least I can now get on top of that fear and do something to put it back into my memory.  The worst thoughts come when I am lying in bed waiting to drop off to sleep.
Have just had a phone call, my doctor requested an MRI of my spine yesterday, I have no idea why unless it is to see if the nerve is still trapped in my L4-L5 and hence I can't visit the loo.  How efficient is that as I am going tonight for it.  It is even on the NHS!
So shower time is looming, I think today I will be using the stool as I need to wash my hair.  It is also dressing changing day and Gary has asked to be excused.  I don't blame him because actually seeing the drain reminds me life will never be the same again.  I have drawn a litre a day apart from one day when it was only 400.  That is a lot of fluid and there is still plenty left in the stomach as I won't let it go empty!
I received an email this morning telling me another warrior has lost his fight and gained those wings to heaven.  Peter Gallolgy was diagnosed in 2009, his first choice was no treatment and he did that for approx. 2 years, enjoying his life.  The meso started to grow faster so Peter then went on to Chemo, I haven't been in contact with him since Christmas when things were going well.  My thoughts go to his wife and children. 
On that note I hope a cure is found sooner rather than later, every day some one some where is diagnosed with this death sentence.  This is not our fault, its a man made killer that should have been researched before used in everyone's homes and workplaces. 


amanda said...

such a shitty disease, robbing so many people of so much. I hope the pain and the breathlessness improves for you

Jan said...

Wish you guys didn't have to go through it either. Enjoy those Sunday Roasts, probably the last for a few good months. xxx