Thursday, 3 October 2013

Thursday Morning - Hoping for a better day

Another night of terrible sweats and trying to find a clean patch between the sheets!  I woke up with terrible pain in my side around 7.30, I didn't want to get up so snuggled down on Gary's dry side till 9.30.  The night had been quite disturbed and it seemed I slept the best for this 90 minutes.
I came down and sat in the office, a coffee placed in front of me and a rich tea biscuit. I looked grey and felt it.   I couldn't drink the coffee, left the office and crawled onto the sofa in the lounge, pulling the knitted blanket over me.  I hurt badly even though my stomach hadn't swollen very much it was extremely painful.
The nurses were nearly due but I just couldn't muster the energy or will to shower, instead I had a wash then got dressed and crawled back to the comfort of the sofa.  I didn't think it worth draining my stomach as I would think only 400 to 500 ml was in there, this is good, it means the body is getting used to the cancer.  The pain wasn't easing so I took some morphine and wished I could be swallowed up.
It didn't seem long before they had gone and the new MacMillan Nurse arrived.  Gary said I gave her a rough five minutes to make sure she knew her stuff, I didn't think I had but there again we never watch ourselves in motion do we.  She stayed for nearly 2 hours, we went through the problems I had gone through with the NHS, not just recently but prior.  She asked why I didn't complain so I told her it only makes things worse and I found that out after I had made an observation which would benefit patients.  Her first task for me:
Find out who I am now under and if Dr P is acting as oncologist
We did talk about pain management and I said I want someone to work with me and advise not take control and tell me what I will and won't do.  Its my body and I should have a say, she agreed, so I guess it sounds like the start of a good relationship.
I spent all day on the sofa and all evening, my drain site is one problem and my other hip the other.  Whether I have some nerve damage or the pipe is tickling them I don't know. 
Another night of sweats last night but again this morning my stomach hasn't changed from yesterday, I'm still sore and still feel off. 
I am frightened that I wouldn't get back to how I was before the drain was inserted.  I am low on energy and this could be trauma to the body as well as fighting cancer.  But I didn't feel ill physically from the cancer even when the stomach was swollen. 
I seem to be going two steps forward then one step back.  Emotionally I can't accept this drain that sticks out of my tummy or the odd shape that I am.  I know I am glad to be alive and this will help me with the symptoms of this crap cancer but after everything I have been through this has knocked me the most.
Again I have risen late and already 10 am is looming, I need to shower before the nurses arrive, I'm still not sure why they come in two's, but I guess for the next week my life will be this routine, up, shower, nurse.  I hope I can get back to the routine prior to this and find myself back at work by 9.30 but I just can't see that happening at the moment and that does upset me too.
So as another day starts I see all I can do is sit on the sofa.  I wish I could pull some energy from somewhere but I just have nothing. 

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