Friday, 9 September 2011

Unsettling feeling

After having my 4 treatments without any tingling on my bones or redness to my skin I was relieved, tired but happy.  I thought there you are see how you like being blasted a scene from Dirty Harry came to my mind as I sat in the car coming home.

Then suddenly as I sat watching something on TV I started with a pain between my heart and right breast, by the time I had really acknowledged it the pain was spreading out to my shoulder through into my back and down to my kidney area.  The velocity of it was unbelievable and unbearable, back to pre 2009 with heart session pains.  Thankfully I have a stock of morphine, but 20 didn't touch it, I hung out for 20 minutes before taking another 20, but the pain was tearing through me and I felt sick, whether it was from the pain or not I will never know.  After another 25 minutes I took another 10 of morphine, enough to finally take me to the otherside of the pain.  With hotwater bottle held against my kidney\back I went to bed.  The pain eased slowly in my chest and I was left shaken.  It brought back all those terrible memories of sessions when I didn't know whether my heart would hold out, only this time it wasn't in that area. 

I woke this morning feeling drained and totally washed out, I am sure the extra morphine hasn't helped either but I am left uncertain as to whether the pain was caused by maybe a muscle being inflamed by the radiotherapy or a quick bout of growth from the meso in my right lung.  I had forgotten how bad the pains I went through were and I know now that as I am older and physically a lot weaker I doubt I can handle to many of these again. 

The burning flares have calmed down since I started treatment on Monday, so has the burning that was in my side and left armpit.  I contacted Dr Abtin and asked if the needle could have brought back a meso cell and he doesn't believe it could have as they freeze the area from all punctures, he did tell me that I had a large nodule in that area but would need to see the SCAN.  I said to my Doc this morning everytime a scan is an important one I never seem to get it in time do I.  I think I am becoming paranoid about doctors and me.

The touble with getting to know your body so well is that you know things aren't right, the burning flares I feel are the small tumours growing, it probably means its the nerves that are getting touched in medical terms but to us that means something has to be growing for the nerves to be put under pressure.  At least the Doc has put my request in for the next scan, hopefully it should come through for October!

As I can be ruled out from most of trials going on at the moment, chemo is for emergency, if the right lung has started to go then I will certainly try out London's thermal ablation - at least it doesn't involve a long flight to LA and stopping away for more than 1 night.  I know I am jumping the gun again and as much as I put meso into the back of my mind it keeps popping right back into the forefront at the moment.

On that cheery note I think I should close, take care everyone we shall not be beaten.

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