Saturday, 3 August 2013

Is it a Dream

Yesterday the sun shone, albeit through some clouds occasionally, but up here the temperature was nice, although hot for the dogs.  I went into work and forgot all my problems, once my mind was on the job I was just any other person. 

I was sent a fab supporters shirt from Nancy who also writes for Mesotheliomahelp.  In fact that is how we have become friends.  Each time I have worn it I have meant to take a photo but yesterday as I left the house hubby caught me.  So to prove I am supporting the Bulls, here it is Nancy.
It also helps cover my stomach although it makes a nice bump where Bulls go round!

I actually felt healthier yesterday than I have in days but this morning that seems so short lived.  I was up a couple of times with Bear, the heat is just killing him.  I tried yesterday to clip his fur back, even shave some off, will he lie there and let me - No!  I must have taken a bag full of fur out of him again though.  He decided he is now sleeping upstairs, I think he senses something is wrong with me, but our bedroom is hot in the summer, with two fans pointed at him all night he was still up and down.  At 4 he came up to me and shoved that big wet nose in my face, so I came down and let him out.  He did his business then decided he wanted to stay out, the sky was beautiful, a new moon was bright even though dawn was breaking.  So I left him out, leaving the front door open and the vestibule door closed.  At 6 I heard him pounding at the door to be back inside the house.  So I got up, he came in and went into the shower room.  He was getting too warm from the sun that was now truly up.
I didn't wake again until 11.00, my body hurt which made getting up just as bad as staying in bed.  It has taken an hour to pull round.  The weather outside is making me feel cold.  I had hoped to maybe read in the sun and rest as I have the energy of a snail but I can't see that happening. 
Something I should do is go shopping, we go on hols again in a few short weeks but nothing I own is going to fit around this stomach of mine and it isn't going down any.  Maybe the water tablets are holding back any new fluid but they aren't working on the bump I have in front of me.  But I just haven't the energy or the enthusiasm to do that.  I am becoming a miserable lazy person.
I still have mam's house to clear too, I am renting it out shortly and still haven't gone through her things.  I wish I could be ruthless and get rid of it all but I can't, yet what is the point of holding on to stuff?
I am making arrangements with Mesothelioma specialists for September.  Maybe I am being a bit stupid here as we all know how fast meso can change and I am looking at some 7 to 8 weeks before I actually see someone.  Yet I don't want bad news before we go on holiday.  It would spoil it if they said to me there is nothing left for me but to accept palliative care.  How would that make the holiday feel, the last one we will ever have together.  I am worried that this will be last we will have so I don't really want that confirming.  I have seen how fast this cancer can change from hanging in to outright killer.  It will be on my head if I have made the wrong decision about holding off.  I don't know how fast they will turn treatment round either and is arranging to see three different people all in the same field wrong.  How will I choose who to go with - I have no one to discuss the options with only hubby and me.  He is where I wish I had some help, at least we can air things on here or face book but deciding on what route to take to keep you alive is not the easiest.  Usually you have guidance.
Maybe an afternoon on the sofa isn't such a bad idea after all.  People who are healthy have days where they are sofa slobs but then I keep wanting to make the most of my time.  Lately, and I really mean this last year, I haven't been doing that.  I have wanted a hot summer at home so we can go places and visit them together.  So far all I have done is be ill and sit in the back garden!
I hope you are keeping up with my warrior blogs, at least at this time they are all positive which makes me feel better.
The sofa is calling, I hope where you are the wind isn't as wild and the heat isn't unbearable.

No comments: