Sunday, 18 August 2013

Not a good day

You know I am going to tell it as it is, I don't hold back on how I feel or what I am going through with mesothelioma.
Thankfully I rested yesterday, I was tired but I still couldn't eat much.  Strange as on Friday at hospital I ate a tuna sandwich and had some scampi.  Saturday I managed a little porridge, a couple of prawns and some steak and broccoli for dinner.  Not enough for a person who needs to maintain weight but I just didn't fancy anything nor did I enjoy eating it.
I had another terrible night, every time I work up I was dripping with sweat and very clammy.  I decided it was hot because Bear was also panting and scratching at carpets and wood floors.
At 7.30 this morning I had this terrible burning pain just inside my chest, a weight to the left of my heart that was nearly as bad as the weight I felt from the fluid.  I took a Rennie and tried to half sit up in bed.  The pain just got worse.  I wish I could make myself sick but that is something I have never tried nor ever want to, but the burning was agony.  On top of that I felt I had a large elastic band around my rib cage that was too tight.
I stood up hoping the bile would move and boy did it, I rushed to the toilet and threw up thick yellow\brown stuff, it was that heavy it sank to the bottom of the bowl.  Still the burning continued, I was sick again but the pain of being sick and retching made my ribs hurt.  Hubby took my temperature, I was at 35.2, not a good sign for me.  I wanted to go back to bed but the pain was unbearable so I came down stairs, no sooner had I reached the bottom step I had to run to vomit once again.  A lot more came up, bringing more pain to my chest but the burning was easing by the time I was through.  I was very clammy and tears filled my eyes.
I don't want to be like this, each morning lately the pain of waking has been terrible because of the weight on top, now it seems the bile has found a route back and one problem has just been replaced by another.
I hate this cancer, I hate that over the last few years I haven't done the things I keep saying I am going to.  I guess yesterday brought it home.  This whole summer - July todate, I have been ill.  We haven't been out anywhere - why because of me.  What memories will hubby have of our last few years of marriage.  I had surgery to ensure I would still be here and we would be enjoying our life together, it seems this last year has been full of health problems, in fact since January 09 I am even questioning what have we done?
I have grown weak from fighting, I can't go through another morning like this.  Why is it happening now?  Friday morning I threw up but before that, the last time I had bile like this was when I was on chemo.
Maybe the fluid has made the hernia worse, maybe I am just destined to be forever in pain.  It has taken till 4pm for me to feel remotely human today, even now I have a pain that is restrictive around my ribs.  I am conscience of us going on holiday in a weeks time, what if I am still like this?
We ask how does Mesothelioma kill us, I guess the answer is it destroys our organs, fills us with toxins, robs our body of oxygen and wipes out our immune system.  One thing for sure I don't think my death will be peaceful unless I am drugged up to the eyeballs and have no idea of who or what I am.
To make matters feel even worse I heard back from my old oncologist (2007-2009), he would not think chemo is available as giving it 4th line is evidence free.  Please how can it ever be recorded if no one is allowed it 4th line, but we know patients have had it 4th line.  They can't tell me they will do a trial for 4th line only chemo on Mesothelioma patients, it just wouldn't happen.
I don't know if any other meso sufferer has gone through as many nightmare's as I have, I pray they haven't.  I seem to be the only person that complains of this happening or that, surely I am not a minority out there and others have had similar situations.
I need answers of how other people have managed this or that.  I take tablets for my stomach, I curse the day I had my gallbladder removed.  If the oncologist had known better the pain would have been proved to be caused by cancer on the pericardium, but no they said that couldn't happen.  Yes I am still angry about that.  Bile would then be controlled by that missing organ.  The false diaphragm doesn't help but then it may not have been a problem if the Gallbladder was still in place!
If this is my future, then I am truly doomed.  I don't think I can face every morning like this - as much as I love life this is not quality.  I don't like being negative as I love being with hubby and the dogs, I like what I do but I don't like how I feel. 

1 comment:

laura said...

I hope you can find ways to distract yourself when that pesky negative pains overwhelms you. remember there has been moments of joy that should outweigh the pain. You worry me when you speak of the removal of your gallbladder as the beginning of this horrible cancer. I wonder if I should just use the painkiller(vicodin) or be brave and let them look inside me, do a biopsy, remove my gallbladder and a stone on my right side???One more week until my decision will have to happen. My pain has been confusing but under some control. Baby steps!!!may you stay positive and be patient with the good and the bad.